The Wedding Snake


Saturday, 7 January, 2017

Sydney, Australia

With Melbourne fully booked and quickly approaching, it will soon be time for us to say goodbye to Sydney – which is a bit of a shame. Although, we can’t just be beach bums forever – our time to do a little grafting had arrived (at least, that’s what the bank slips tell me).

We’ve decided that Melbourne is the place where the money will flow. However, should that not go according to plan, then we may well be detouring to a farm, getting lobster red in the sunshine and working our muscles to the core collecting grapes.

While I am not opposed to picking fruit, I would prefer it if ‘Plan A’ works out.

If you’re reading this and recruiting, I’ll attach my CV at the bottom. Here are some things that I left out, which may also be useful to know –

  • I got 16 likes and one heart on the last picture I uploaded to Facebook (popular).
  • I have a 50.3% swipe right ratio on my Tinder (a good image at the front of your shop).
  • I binge watched the entire first series of Dexter in two days (determination and commitment).

Hopefully, the right person will read this blog and get in touch – saving me from dragging my arse around town with a bunch of printouts.

So, with that out of the way – let’s get back onto our final few days in Sydney.

We managed to squeeze in a couple of fun last minute trips. These being the Wedding Cake Rock and the Figure Eight Pools (the place we previously tried to visit, but instead, took a wrong turn and accidently ended up on a beach of exposed middle-aged butt cracks).

First up, the Wedding Cake Rocks – we gathered this was the safer option. The entire walk was along a cliff side, so it just seemed far less likely that we would fall upon a secret wrinkly bottom convention there.

The trek was probably around one hour long and could be pretty strenuous at times, but the landscape made any pain seem secondary.

Since arriving in Australia, I have always kept an extra eye out for animals – this country has creatures I can’t even pronounce and spiders bigger than buses. Obviously it’s good to notice critters like that way in advance – it gives you more opportunity to position yourself for the perfect selfie snap.

A spider picture would probably even surpass the 16 likes and 1 heart, which I previously mentioned.

It would make a lot of sense for this section of the blog to conclude with us seeing a spider – well, we didn’t.

We did, however, see something that appears in just as many nightmares.

We were not far from reaching the desired Wedding Cake Rock, when my beady eyes caught sight of something. Although, it would be hard to claim that this was down to my alert, instinctive vision.

It was a great, big, thick, black and green snake; which slivered from out of the branches, across the beaten tracks and into the set of bushes at the other side.

We stood, slack-jawed and with bodies like statues as we watched this (potentially poisonous) wild animal cross the road in front of us. We were only about two yards away from it.

Once regaining our composure, we wandered over to the bushes and watched the end of its tail as it disappeared into the distance.

The creature did absolutely nothing other than mind its own business to be honest, but it still made the return journey slightly more daunting. In my paranoid mind there were now so many serpents surrounding us, that it was actually the branches that were hiding among the snakes.

In reality, there probably wasn’t that many of them – at least, we didn’t get to see another snake for the remainder of our trek anyway; which in a weird way, both disappointed and satisfied me at the same time.

The Wedding Cake Rock had a fence around it for our safety – but then, we’ve just scared a deadly snake into hiding in the bushes, as if any barrier was going to hold us back.

We climbed over it and took a closer look at the famous rock formation.


It is a lovely white sandstone colour – the kind that would make a great shade for a carpet. Although, it’d be that one carpet in the house that nobody is ever allowed to eat, drink or walk on – basically making the room void.

Beyond its mesmorising colour, it had formed into a unique shape that resembled a wedding cake – hence the name. The background view was just as beautiful. The sun was beaming onto the sea, which in turn was crashing against the remaining craggy cliff side.

Overall, it was a very enjoyable trip. Although, I suspect that seeing a snake on the way to viewing a wedding cake may be a sign that I should stay away from marriage for a while.

Ok, so trip two – did we manage to avoid the naked man beach this time? Thankfully, yes.

We read every signpost we noticed three times, while also carefully inspecting each passerby. Basically, if they were middle-aged and shirtless, we would be going in the opposite direction. However, if they were a family with young kids, it was probably a pretty safe bet that they would not be going to bollocks-out beach.

This time we made it to the Figure Eight Pools after another fairly long trek and it was a very cool place. Unfortunately, the tide was getting pretty high at our time of visit, so not every pool was very visible.

We did see a couple of nutters jumping into them though and they were smiling as they did so.

Their misleading facial expressions, combined with the fact that I had scared the world’s deadliest snake into hiding earlier that week, developed my confidence.

I took my t-shirt off and jumped into a pool.

Why the frigging hell were those people smiling?!?

I reckon even the bravest penguin would be complaining about the water’s temperature inside those holes. It was bloody freezing.

Monica then decided it was photo time and pleaded for me not to jump straight back out just yet – the lengths I’m willing to do for sixteen likes and one heart.

In that moment, my nipples could cut glass and there I was smiling away like dung beetle that had finally finished its shift pushing around shite.

Then some oblivious old woman placed herself right in front of me and started eating a frigging apple (what a place to have a fruit break) – making it more difficult to capture a perfect shot apparently. So, she had to start moving about until she found a picture that wasn’t restricted.

Bloody hell, man. This photo wasn’t going to be hanging up in the Louvre – just snap it already, so I can jump out and avoid catching pneumonia!

She got four pictures in the end, you know, to be safe – in three of them I was half covered by an old woman with an apple and in the fourth you can only see the back of my head, so I could be any old bugger.

Once I was out and not quite so cold. I could admire the pools and they looked great.

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