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Thursday, 7 April, 2016

Tokyo, Japan

At a time when I was further away from thirty, my buddy, Pete, visited me in Taiwan, thus, I owed him an appearance – he enjoyed reminding me about my age throughout my visit. Even though, technically speaking, he is now closer to thirty too; after all, that is the nature of time.

I get it though, I do enjoy mocking a person’s age when you’re merely years apart – there is never a period when the joke doesn’t work. They will never not be an old git and you will forever remain an eternal fountain of youth.

I’ve actually been looking forward to the year that I’ll be twenty-nine for a long time – it will be an August baby’s revenge! Seventeen was cruel – no clubbing and endless exaggerated lunchtime stories of an adult’s paradise. Well, you’ll all be thirty before me LMAO (sadly that is a wasted insult as you’re all too ancient to get it).

Anyway, let’s get into this Japan trip.

Tokyo is filled with plenty of weird activities and lots of unique traditions – I mean, not Eton level of odd, obviously. There is nowhere to go to watch a couple of future MPs jizz into a pig or anything like that.

However, Tokyo still comes with a lot of bizarre – the city has an ear cleaning cafe! Admit it; we’ve all thought to ourselves that a coffee meet up with the gang would be greatly improved if it was accompanied by a stranger shoving various sticks into your earlobe between sips. Sadly, due to limited time we were stuck drinking coffee with dirty ears.

I informed Pete that I wanted my own taste of weird Japan; he smiled and then proceeded to march me into a sex shop close by – while his immediate keenness and location certainty was a little bit questionable, I can’t deny that I was highly curious to see exactly how bizarre a Tokyo porno shop is.

I guess two foreigners in their mid-twenties going into a sex shop side by side looks a bit conspicuous to a regular – we were getting disgruntled looks from all angles – sure; we were goofing around a lot, but, I don’t see how anybody could keep a straight face; the place had naked women pillowcases, a product that allows a randy man to rest his head on some boobs as he snoozes – the shop hardly merits the respect of a temple, does it?

How lonely must you be to have a naked woman pillowcase, by the way? There’s also a bit of a risk factor involved too – suppose one day you actually got lucky and forgot to change your little pervert sheets?

“Oh, don’t mind Namika, she won’t disturb us – she’s sleeping. She always doses off with her eyes open, the silly flower.”
“Do you have a taxi number?”
“I guess it’s just me and you again tonight then, Namika.”

The first thing I notice on arrive was a twenty-four inch dildo in a cabinet to my left – there was no easing you into this place. If a humongous plastic wanger overlooks the entrance walkway as casually as a table leg in IKEA, you know you’re in a weird spot. It actually resembled Donald Trump a lot; I can’t imagine many girls want to, well, you know… with twenty-four inches of Trump.

The store offered some comical ‘disguise’ glasses with a giant nose penis dangling from the frame, too, which were hilarious; I really wanted to take a couple of them back for a few friends. However, the idea of an airport bag search prevented the purchase – nobody wants that conversation about the four willy-noses in their bag with the authorities.

Each floor of the shop got progressively more perverse, and the last stage came with a very strict sign that read, “Lady is forbidden. Female keep off. Only the man.” Apparently, sexism is fully alive and kicking in Japan. Anyway, as big, manly geezers we decided that we should be fine to proceed.

This floor was disgusting. They had a whole section of films dedicated to fart porn, but whatever, that I can look past.

However, the rows of child porn were too much for me. I later discovered that the rule is an underage girl cannot be filmed naked, so, these DVDs are essentially photo shoots of young girls striking sexy poses in their school bathing suites and uniforms. This was the busiest section on the entire shop too!

The view made me feel physically sick and we soon went back to looking at fart porn to lighten the mood.

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source // kabuki-bito

There was more to my Japan trip than just checking out the pornography though; I also found time to dip my toes into a bit of Japanese culture. Pete and I went to watch a traditional Japanese theatre production entitled, Migawari Zazen.

When we bought tickets we had no awareness that we could / should purchase an electronic translator. As it goes, the show was entirely in Japanese and very much centered around dialogue. We were rubber ducked.

That was a long and boring hour – with my favourite part coming from the stands.

The bloke next to Pete started snoring, very noticeably. I turned to laugh about it with my buddy, only to see that Pete was also sleeping! I look down the line and three people in a row had dosed off! Apparently, if you have insomnia, Japanese theatre is your best bet for treatment.

I then spent the next ten minutes trying to spot as many people snoozing in the crowd as possible – I found eleven! That’s a football team number of bored people! Yeah, so in a nutshell, that was my theatre experience, watching strangers sleep.

The lady next to me was speaking Chinese, so I didn’t bother to nosey at her translator screen early doors. However, the boredom later overtook me and I gave it a glance, the entire time she had been reading the frigging dialogue in English. Damn!

I spent the rest of the show looking over her shoulder – which I think irritated her husband a bit. You go beyond caring after ten solid minutes of watching people sleep though!

It was a pretty silly story as well, to be honest. The husband came back from getting into the horizontal bop with his mistress, and started telling a person with a robe over their head (I assume her reason for the robe was explained in the first half) all the sordid details, the robe wearer happened to be his wife and she went ape crazy.

I probably would have been better off just joining the shut-eye crew!

We also saw beautiful cherry blossoms, went to a tea house and drank a lot of sake – it was a top trip. Next round is on you, Peter! TD!

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1 Response

  1. Elliot Turner says:

    Oy Parker remember me, Elliot Danger T. Anyway, had plans to e-mail catch up today which was fine until I realized I don’t seem to have your e-mail. Contact me foooooo.

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