Lads on Tour

Cheeky selfie from Hank the Tank

Sunday, 20 April, 2014

Yilan, Taiwan

‘Yilan 2014’ as it will be known in years to come, is a trip that is now discussed down at the old building block corner on most evenings – three boys with a lust for life and a desire to party, embarked on adventures and dramas that they simply could have never predicted.

So, here is the story of how Ryan the Lion, Hank the Tank and Little Wee Wesley tore up Yilan.

Lads On Tour

The K1 boys were up and ready to go as early as 7.30, as much as they were ‘too cool’ to express it vocally, it was clear that their lack of sleep was due to the anticipation. They’d been ready for this day for months – this was the first time any of them had been on a lads’ holiday.

As the gang waited for the party bus to arrive, Little Wee Wesley wouldn’t shut up about some ‘Big Bird’ off the telly, this lass must report on the morning news or summat, because he is always banging on about her. Hank the Tank was clearly sick of hearing about this bird though and butted in to ramble on about what caught his fancy on the box last night, some film called ‘Up!’; presumably a porno based on the title.

It didn’t take long for the antics to begin. Little Wee Wesley, of all people, pulled some ‘special’ cookies out of his bag on the bus. He claimed they had been perfectly packed and gifted by ‘the daddy’ – his dealer was most probably also a pimp with a name like that.

Little Wee Wesley is the youngest of the trio, and can often display actions of youthful selfishness. He decided that his cookies were too good to share and scoffed away at the entire bag himself. His greed landed him in a food coma and he was soon snoring away, while dribbling onto Ryan’s shoulder.

However, falling asleep alongside Ryan the Lion so early into the trip was simply asking for trouble.

Ryan the Lion is the group’s prankster, and wherever he goes, so does his plasticine. He softly stuck it around Wesley’s mouth, making it look like the poor lad had a green goatee beard. It was placed on well too, it did not look like it would fall off anytime soon.

Ryan the Lion and Hank the Tank then began howling with laughter about how ridiculous Little Wee Wesley looked with a beard, his youthful features simply do not suit facial hair, especially when it is such a bright colour.

The miserable old bus driver, however, wasn’t in such a party mood. He turned around to the boys and told them to, “knock it off.”

This made Hank the Tank, the emotional member of the group, cry a little bit. Big Hank just wanted to have a good time with the boys and did not need this man totally killing his vibe.

The driver decided that it was in his best interest to keep the spirits high though, so he whacked on Hank the Tank’s jungle CD to cheer the boys up – apparently, Big Hank listens to this album every night before going to bed.

Little Wee Wesley remained asleep throughout the entire journey though, oblivious to the fact that he would not only wake up drowsy, but also with a brand new green beard.

When the three boys eventually arrived in Yilan, they were pretty keen to get out of the bus and explore – Little Wee Wesley was unusually quiet though. Perhaps he was feeling the effect of too many cookies.

Prankster and ladies’ man, Ryan the Lion, instantly spotted a couple of girls getting out of a bus close by and he only had one thing on his mind.

He walked over to introduce himself, and even threw in one of his favourite jokes to break the ice –
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, silly. Cows go “moo!”

The girls suddenly fell into fits of laughter, to a degree that the joke didn’t warrant – even Ryan the Lion would admit that himself.

At first, he assumed the girls were mocking him and felt like adding plastacine to their faces. Until he realised it was Little Wee Wesley, who was now standing behind him, that caused such a response.

The beard was still one of Ryan the Lion’s jokes, so he felt happy with their reaction – even if it wasn’t for his classic cow gag.

“Does that make you feel older?” One girl smirked.

Little Wee Wesley suddenly felt very paranoid. He wasn’t sure if she was talking to him, even though she was looking directly into his eyes.

“Why green?” Another asked.

He wondered if they knew about his cookies. In that moment, he really wanted to go and hide behind a tree.

“Can I touch it?” The first girl said, before reaching for his face.

He was so confused. He just turned away and ran to a toilet close by to gather his thoughts – Hank the Tank followed, mostly just to see his reaction to the beard. This left Ryan the Lion alone with the girls.

“Why does your friend have a fake green beard?”
“He forgot to bring his I.D. with him.”

He once again got a laugh and things were going very well. They talked some more, mostly about their Yilan plans – when all of a sudden, Wee Little Wesley came storming back into the picture. He was now beardless.

“Did you have a shave?” Ryan the Lion smirked, while still trying to impress the girls. However, Wee Little Wesley wasn’t quite ready to joke about the prank just yet.

In a furious state, he threw a yo-yo at him, which had presumably been stored in the same bag as the cookies. It hit Ryan the Lion right on the forehead. This made him cry, a lot. Which in turn, made Hank the Tank’s eyes start to water too – it’s hard to say why, he just seemed to want to join in.

Either way, this was behaviour that the girls had no interest in. Thus, they walked away.

Little Wee Wesley, was now feeling very paranoid about what the strangers around him must be thinking. He was standing in a field alongside two crying boys that he was supposed to be partying with. He decided now was a good time to apologise.

The boys soon let bygones be bygones and were united once again.

They then headed into the resort, where they saw an older lady handing out flyers. She was clearly a fair few years older than the boys, but nevertheless, still pretty decent looking. Ryan the Lion, who at times can have a one-track mind, decided that the lads would be checking out whatever she was offering.

The boys somewhat reluctantly agreed – the odds were that she would be working for one of the resort’s clubs, so they assumed they’d at least be getting a drink out of following her.

They soon found ourtnot exactly what they were looking for from the trip. It was hardly lively, either. In fact, one bloke was even taking a nap in the corner – by the look of it, he may have also been selfish with a box of cookies.

After taking their seats, still slightly confused about what they had walked into, the hippies’ group leader informed everybody that the activity for today would be ‘umbrella painting’.

They previously gave the good-looking girl with the flyer a bit of cash, assuming it was for an entrance free or drink – they suddenly realised that the coin was for some small cocktail umbrellas. The boys were fuming.

Regardless, in a surprise turn of events, Hank the Tank convinced the boys to stay. He put this down to the fact they had already paid. Although, we would later discover that there was a little bit more to it.

It turns out Hank the Tank is quite the artist – more in the modern art way of throwing the paint in any direction – but nevertheless, the skill is evident. They often say that it’s usually the sensitive ones that have a creative side hidden away.

In fact, his umbrella was so good that the girl with the flyers picked it up and showed it to the room – a jealous and frustrated Ryan the Lion reacted by calling Hank the Tank a ‘stupid head’. It looked likely that this would once again make the big man cry, however, it turned out that Hank the Tank actually had a plan of retaliation under his sleeve.

He went straight over to the girl with the flyers and gave her a hug for the praise – a solid move, and one that gave Hank the Tank the victory in this instance.

Ryan the Lion is not one to dwell on a failed romance though, and was soon ready to move on to the next one. The boys then left the hippies behind in search of ladies.

showing off to the boys

showing off to the boys

This place was clearly not short of girls either, because once again, Ryan the Lion had the boys chatting away to some ‘new friends’ almost instantly. He even told the cow joke again, which didn’t hit quite as well without the green beard in support.

He did still manage to talk the girls into joining them for a bit of playful flirty fun on a fairly deserted playground close by.

The new gang were now running around taking it in turns on the swing, slide and seesaw – the joy was evident and the atmosphere very positive. For the first time, it truly appeared as though nothing would kill the vibe. The party the boys came for was finally underway.

When all of a sudden, Little Wee Wesley shit himself.

He tried to hide it at first, but the smell and the stain around the back was becoming increasingly difficult to cover up. He kind of waddled over to Ryan the Lion – who was now on the seesaw with a girl he liked – in desperate need of some advice.

“I’ve pooed.” He whispered to his buddy.
“What?” He shouted back, not appreciating that Little Wee Wesley was being discreet for a reason.

Ryan the Lion then got a whiff of the accident and scrunched his face with shock.

“Jesus, Wes!”
“So, what should I do?”
“I don’t know, but get away from here before the lady thinks it’s me.”

As mentioned, that boy can have a one-track mind.

The lack of support made Little Wee Wesley panic, and just like before, his only answer was to turn and run away – but this time the toilet wasn’t quite so conveniently placed. In fact, what he was heading towards was mostly just an open field. So, he hid behind a bush.

Little Wee Wesley would now have to figure out mission impossible by himself. He had crapped his pants, but was without any kind of spare clothes.

He walked back from out the bushes, and towards the gang with his bottom half removed – it would appear that after careful thought, that was the best answer he could come up with. Clearly having left his dignity on the bus hours ago, he was now beyond the point of caring. He hadn’t even wiped up all the mess properly.

As he made his way over to the playground, a guardian angel appeared, in the shape of the girl with the flyers. She pulled a t-shirt from out of her bag and wrapped it around his waist, which covered most of the damage. Ok, so yes, a pair of shorts would have been better, but considering the alternative, this was a pretty good result for Wee Little Wesley.

Naturally, he was still a little apprehensive as he walked towards to the gang. However, one of the girls came over and immediately gave him a hug – which really settled his nerves. It wasn’t long until he was back in his element, thus, running around with the rest of the group, even with a t-shirt that only covered two-thirds of his lower half.

The rest of the time went as well as any of the boys could have hoped. In fact, the girls ended up joining the lads on their bus home.

The trip was a major success and the boys left Yilan with a tale for the ages.

#Yilan2014 #OIOI!

There you have a slightly twisted version of an otherwise pretty boring field trip away with my class of three year old students.

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